JAYNE COUNTY - MAN ENOUGH TO BE A WOMAN
U-Bahn To Memory Lane
"U-Bahn To Memory Lane" was a stage musical devised by Jayne and Tron von Hollywood in 1982 during Jayne's time in Berlin. Throughout the 2 hours and 20 minutes which it lasted Jayne and Tron were the only two performers onstage. It was performed for two weeks in Munich followed by two weeks in Hamburg. Many of the events which took place in the musical were also to be found later in Rosa von Praunheim's film "City Of Lost Souls". What follows is an outline of the action which took place onstage.
TAKE YOUR SEATS PLEASE:
The show begins with Tron onstage introducing the show in German and singing. Jayne then arrives onstage and introduces herself as Lila D'Clare from the deep south. Tron and Lila break into the opening number "U-Bahn To Memory Lane".
Lila stays onstage and is hassled by a German man played by Tron. When the man leaves she introduces the audience to Jayne and Wayne. Lila becomes Jayne and Wayne after introducing them. Whereas Lila is "pure and from the farm" Jayne is "selfish and gets what she wants". Wayne is a gum-chewing all American macho guy. Jayne then performs "Fuck Off" and does the second half of the song topless with a snake around her shoulders.
Brother Tron arrives back onstage as Jayne finishes the song and he preaches against "disgusting behaviour" whilst Jayne protests. Jayne is finally exorcised and is "saved". She then goes on to preach, telling how she was once driving whilst on LSD and had an accident which resulted in Tron losing the use of his leg. She says these are stories to illustrate how God punishes the wicked and sinners. She then tells of her cousin Marvin who fucked chickens on the farm and who "even fucked the Easter bunny". At a party he drank, took drugs and moralised. Later a train hit his truck and Marvin was killed. Jayne then tells of her Aunt Evelyn who bleached her hair and looked like Ginger Rogers. Aunt Evelyn liked young boys and married a man 25 years her junior. Jayne's Uncle Travis ran around with a 15 year old girl and one night when he arrived home he was locked out. Uncle Travis tried to chop the door down with an axe. Aunt Evelyn took a gun and blew his head off. Following these stories Jayne and Tron break into a gospel style song about being saved. They then immediately go into another song about "Space Captain Jesus".
The action moves to backstage where Tron and Lila discuss a contract he has negotiated for a film of "The Hunchback Of Notre Dame" with Lila playing Esmerelda and Rosa Von Praunheim directing. Lila says Rosa is a pervert (much to the amusement of the audience). Jayne takes over saying that she won't let Lila do a porno contract. Tron tries to pacify her by saying it's okay as they use "stunt pussies". Jayne says she won't let Lila do it for the 50,000DM on offer - she demands 100,000DM minimum. Wayne tells Tron he won't let either girl do it. Whilst talking he inflates a condom and masturbates.
Lila returns and says she won't sign the contract. Tron then attempts to blackmail her by telling her it's her fault that he's crippled. When this fails he threatens to tell people about her secret baby. Lila signs the contract.
To the accompaniment of classical music Lila tells of her past and a date on which she was raped (this is acted out onstage).She says she'll never fall in love again.
Tron and Lila then sing "Our Day Will Come". During the song Tron showers Lila with flowers, chocolate and alcohol. Lila performs with the chocolates falling out of her mouth.
Back in the dressing room Tron feels he's being watched by Greg. Greg was Lila's dead boyfriend from New York who she keeps in a garbage bag in the dressing room.
"C3" plays as Lila changes into a baby doll outfit and reminisces about New York and it's freaks, prostitutes, drag queens and junkies. She tells of an Italian man who invited her to a disco, a bar and a restaurant. Whilst she attempts to tell the story she suffers a stream of interruptions from various characters who appear.
Firstly a hippy junkie comes on stage with a joint and asks for a light. Lila thinks he's a foreigner. He lights his joint and offers Lila a hit. Lila replies "Drugs don't work on me!" and asks him if he's from the Grateful Dead. Lila does then take a drag on the joint which she does very theatrically. The hippy takes a drag again and Lila asks him if he's an Apache Indian. Lila takes a drag and chokes. The hippy leaves the stage.
As Lila returns to the story of the Italian man she takes a bag of potato chips from her bag and eats them whilst describing her favourite recipe for pizza. This time she is interrupted by a character asking if she's seen an Italian man he's due to meet. The man has some poppers which he tells Lila help open the asshole and keep an erection. He asks Lila to give the poppers to the Italian man on his behalf as he has another trick waiting. Despite him warning her not to do anything with the bottle Lila sniffs it and resumes her story whilst under the influence.
A third character appears onstage to interrupt her yet again. This time he sniffs cocaine and offers Lila a hit. Again she replies "Drugs don't work on me". When he offers her some Lila sneezes blowing it all over the floor. She then tries it and he leaves with Lila once again under the influence. She sniffs champagne from a bottle and resumes the story.
Yet again Lila is interrupted. This time a man appears as Lila freaks out. She asks him if he's one of the Small Faces. This time she is given LSD. Initially she thinks the man is a Buddhist but then realises he's a film maker.
Once again Lila begins her story about the Italian man. She begins to trip and a pig appears onstage and injects Lila. She threatens to call the cops and says she doesn't do junk as Greg was a junkie.She lifts Greg out of the garbage bag and introduces him (a skeleton) to the audience. She then places him on a toilet. This leads into a song - "You Don't Need The Junk If You've Got The Funk".
Following the song Tron appears for a dance sequence which ends with him caressing the Greg skeleton. This is followed by a flashback sequence in which Lila as a young girl sings "Que Sera Sera", "Mama said There'd Be Days Like This" and a joke version of "Mr Sandman".
Tron now takes on the role of Lila's mother and takes her to kiss her Grandpa goodbye.Lila kisses what appears to be a small doll which her mother then masturbates with whilst Lila agonises over telling her mother that she is pregnant by a communist. Lila's mother hates communists and when Lila tells her she orders her to take a hot bath. Lila doesn't want to do this so she kills her mother with a toilet brush.
The next scene has Lila singing the Shangri-las' "Never Go Home Anymore" whilst she is dressed in a leotard which has a baby's head and limbs sewn onto it (see pic at top of page). Lila's mother appears alongside her as an angel. As she goes into labour a doctor delivers the baby by removing Lila's leotard. When she sees it Lila's screams that it's a monster but the doctor forces it onto her breast. After he leaves Lila panics about supporting the baby and kills it by spraying it with hairspray. Tron sees this and blackmails Lila to work for him. She tells him the child wasn't innocent as it was a communist. It's father was a Russian soldier. She then sings "I Fell In Love With A Russian Soldier".
A musical break now follows. This leads into a scene where Tron is performing as a conjurer and Lila is his assistant, a psychic called "The Queen Of Thailand". The Queen Of Thailand reveals the future of Germany. She predicts an army of monsters which are being developed by the Soviets and warns that the west must develop the same. She says that television and not nuclear war will destroy the world. She predicts that by 1978 east and west will be united. A further prediction is that a new rock 'n' roll band will be developed in Berlin and their music will cause all politicians cocks and balls to shrink and shrivel. This will result in a new dance sensation called the "Do the shrink and shrivel". Tron and his psychic partner go into a song called "Do the shrink and shrivel". During the song Tron produces thin sausage links from his trousers. He cuts them off and feeds them to the audience.
Following the song the Queen Of Thailand forecasts that Germany will develop a perfume which all auslanders (outsiders/foreigners) must wear to identify themselves. She then forecasts that it will become fashionable for women to have nosejobs to transplant their noses onto the tops of their heads. The music to "The Twilight Zone" then strikes up and the Queen Of Thailand screams that the auslanders are coming. She then performs a song called "The auslanders are coming" during which Tron hides behind her to give her his arms. He applies her deodorant and make-up and she opens her cape to reveal the word "Esso" (?).
Next a robotic Lila thinks to a robotic version of "Lady Dye Twist" (with different lyrics). Tron is thinking about marriage and having a son like himself. The robotic Lila and Tron have breakfast and ask "what is this shit". He tells Lila that you should only eat your own shit. Lila sits on a toilet and then spoons her shit onto a plate. Tron then does the same and they then eat their own shit and enthuse about how lovely it is. Lila wonders what pigeon shit is like and Tron says ape shit and alligator shit. She asks him if Jesus shits. They decide that they and the whole world may be made of God's shit.
Backstage Tron tells Lila that a big producer from Las Vegas is coming to see their show. He goes to collect him from the airport. Lila says that Vegas is full of Mafia and that she wants to go to Hollywood to be a big star like Lana Turner or Kim Novak. A woman arrives with a telegram for Lila containing bad news. Lila tries to overdose on pills, alcohol and toilet cleaner but after taking them feels better. She then plans her suicide and hears voices from Marilyn (Monroe?) and Judy (Garland?) telling her that all the big stars are dead. She sings a song called possibly "Suicide Blues". Following the song Jayne and Wayne both try to talk Lila out of suicide saying that she'll kill them as well as herself. Lila cuts her wrists with a saw and the blood flows (thanks to a red aerosol spray). Lila dies very dramatically before rising as Joan and then dying again.
Tron returns to find Lila dead. He calls her a bitch for ruining the big show. He finds the telegram which shocks him but says that the show must go on. He considers doing a ventriloquism act with Lila's corpse before going to dispose of the body.When he returns he plans the show alone and sings "Heartbreak Hotel".The audience chant for Lila and he leaves the stage dejected.
The next scene involves what appears to be Lila singing "U-Bahn To Memory Lane". However it is not really Lila but Tron impersonating her. At the end of the song he keeps yelling the word "insane" as he removes the disguise to reveal himself.
THE SHOW ENDS.
